Coffee Shop Confessional

I have a confession to make. By saying what I am about to say, I fully recognize that I am running the risk of alienating myself not only from my peers, but from my entire generation--which, the last time I checked, was Generation Y. Or maybe it's X to the power of three. I should consult Douglas Coupland on this, although I'm pretty sure that he too would shun me for what I am about to write here.

I don't like coffee shops.

Like, I really don't like them. I don't like patronizing them, writing in them, or socializing in them. What I particularly can't stand is loafing around in them, doing none of the above, just sitting around reading The New York Times as if I'm enjoying it and acting as though savouring the whole coffee shop experience is a valid pasttime unto itself (NB--I should say that I've actually never done this, but based on my observations of what people who like coffee shops do, it seems like a highly popular activity).

The thing is, I feel that I am completely and utterly alone in my anti-coffee shop sentiments. Sure, I tried to like them, back when I was 15, just like I tried to like Tori Amos music and wearing weird-smelling "vintage" clothing. But just like the other stuff, I found out soon enough that coffee shops just weren't me. Will this undeniable truth have a devastating impact on my career as a writer? Probably. Am I worried? Not enough to start haunting coffee shops, that's for sure.

Lest coffee shop fanatics read this and think that I am missing out, let me mention the coffee shop alternatives that I have found to be ultimately more satisfying in my post-teen years:

1. Timmie's: We're talking plastic chairs, fluorescent lighting, fast food-style service and flocks of friendly older folk fresh off the curling rink. It's about calling a "small" a "small" and a "large" a "large," the superiority of Timbits over tiramisu, and not feeling ashamed about reading the Sun sports section instead of Foucault. Not that I haven't been known to indulge in a little post-structuralist theory now and then--just not with my donuts, thanks.

2. Bars: You say chai latte, I say Courvoisier. Socializing need not be any less intellectually rigorous and almost always proves more entertaining in a bar or pub setting than at a coffee shop. The music is better (more AC/DC, less Jewel) and no one is going to be sitting there typing away at their laptop, making you feel guilty that you "forgot" to bring that file home from the office.

With these two viable alternatives to turn to, I've not really missed the coffee shop these past few years. I wonder why it even seemed like a good idea in the first place--I think So I Married An Axe Murderer made the whole coffee shop scene look like more fun than it actually is. So there's my confession. Needless to say, no coffee shops were frequented during the composition of this blog entry.