Ode to Wheels

This post is dedicated to my favourite Degrassi character, the one and only Wheels (aka Derek Wheeler). There are so many reasons why Wheels was the most rad of the original Degrassi bunch:

First of all, Wheels is just the best nickname ever. OK, maybe it's a tie with Tootie. With an honorable mention going to Boner (remember, Mike Seaver's best friend on Growing Pains? Yes, it's true, Alan Thicke said "Boner" pretty much every other week in the first few seasons of that show).

Second of all, Wheels was the cutest Degrassi alum. He did sport rather unfortunate eyewear after about the second season (he got glasses right around the time he started growing the mullet, as I recall), but he still had it goin' on. The sultry Stephanie Kaye was all over him--and she knew her Degrassi men.

Third, Wheels had an awesome Ontario accent, embuing Degrassi with ever more distinctive Canadian charm. And fourth, Wheels really did try his darndest to be a good kid and to avoid getting sidetracked by Joey Jeremiah's zany schemes. But, as is the case with most Degrassi characters, tragedy befell Wheels and, well, his life went down the shitter. Even so, there is still a warm spot in my heart for Wheels. In the immortal words of the Zit Remedy (all together now): "Everybody wants something they'll never give up..."

A New Match for Marilyn

OK, so this is week-old news, but just to re-cap: the latest star marriage to shatter into so many dysfunctional, yet gossip-mag digestible pieces is that of Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese. The New York Post printed a decidedly Von Teese-sided article January 5th, titled "Dita Dumps Messed-Up Manson," that included the following synopsis:

"Sources say the raven-haired bombshell filed for the split right before Christmas, but Manson has been unaware of it because she couldn't get in touch with him....Friends say Manson had been boozing heavily last year, much to Von Teese's dismay, but she'd desperately tried to hold on. "She really tried to make this work," the friend said.""

A very sad state of affairs, apparently. Furthermore, from the same Post article:

"Von Teese's pals say they are squarely on her side. "Well, at least now she won't have to share her makeup," one quipped. [Ohhh, snap!] It's not known yet whether Von Teese plans to ask for custody of the couple's two cats, Lily and Aleister, and dachshunds, Greta and Eva."

No matter how nasty the break-up gets, let's keep the pets' best interests at heart, folks.

I can't say I've cultivated much personal fandom for Manson's music. In fact, it was around the time he made it big in the alt-rock scene that I started experiencing my first twinges of crotchetiness (sp? even a word?) towards "young people's music". Ironically, I was about 15 at the time, but I digress.

Even though I can't say I'm a fan, I certainly do hope that Manson's heartbreak heals and that he may even be back on the dating scene someday. I'm thinking that next time around, Manson should try courting a new type of gal for a change. Somebody preppy, perky and fond of wearing pastels. Somebody like...Mandy Moore. Perfect! Sort of like Marilyn Munster meets Marilyn Manson.

Sounds like a match made in, er...Hollywood? Hey, you never know.

The Steamy Side of Staples

I recently heard that Douglas Coupland is writing a new novel about people who work at Staples. When explaining how the idea for the novel evolved, Coupland said that he tried to think of what the most boring place in the world to work would be and he came up with Staples.
Fair enough. But when I was shopping at my local Staples yesterday, I came to the realization that the stationary superstore is not so boring as it may seem. It's all about the writing utensil aisle, specifically the pens. As I perused Staples' copious pen selection, it dawned on me that pens and condoms share nearly identical marketing lingo. For example: the Round Stic Grip, the Soft Feel Stic, the Impulse, the Comfortmate, the Flexgrip Ultra, the Flexgrip Elite, the R.S.V.P., and, last but not least, the Dynagrip. Hot stuff, indeed. Perhaps Coupland could work some risque pen product double entendres into his characters' dialogue? (eg. "So, what do you say you and me stock a few boxes of Flexgrips in the storage room after work?") At any rate, it just goes to show you--with a little vigilance and some creativity, you can find your mind in the gutter anywhere, even in the shiny, seemingly innocuous, flourescent-lit aisles of Staples. Not so boring after all.

Keeping St. Elmo's Fire Burnin' (In Me)

To celebrate the new year, an entry devoted to the lyrics to perhaps the most inspirational pop song ever penned. I know the unbridled 1985 sentiment is hard for your jaded, post-Cobain souls to embrace, but sometime (when no one is watching) just find this song, crank it up, and belt it out with as much earnestness as you can possibly muster (and yes, air-synthesizer antics are encouraged). It does the soul good.

If you need a little coaching, watch the video for inspiration. Even better, watch St. Elmo's Fire. Repeatedly. And try to channel the great Billy Hicks.

St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) by John Parr

Growin' up, you don't see the writing on the wall
Passin' by, movin' straight ahead, you knew it all
But maybe sometime if you feel the pain
You'll find you're all alone, everything has changed
Play the game, you know you can't quit until it's won
Soldier on, only you can do what must be done
You know in some way you're a lot like me
You're just a prisoner and you're tryin' to break free

I can see a new horizon underneath the blazin' sky
I'll be where the eagle's flying higher and higher
Gonna be your man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where my future's lyin', St. Elmo's Fire

Burning up, don't know just how far that I can go (just how far I go)
Soon be home, only just a few miles down the road
I can make it, I know I can
You broke the boy in me, but you won't break the man

I can see a new horizon underneath the blazin' sky
I'll be where the eagle's flying higher and higher
Gonna be your man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where my future's lyin', St. Elmo's Fire

I can climb the highest mountain, cross the wildest sea
I can feel St. Elmo's Fire burnin' in me, burnin' in me

Just once in his life a man has his time
and my time is now, I'm coming alive

I can hear the music playin', I can see the banners fly
Feel like you're back again, and hope ridin' high
Gonna be your man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where my future's lyin', St. Elmo's Fire

I can see a new horizon underneath the blazin' sky
I'll be where the eagle's flying higher and higher
Gonna be your man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where my future's lyin', St. Elmo's Fire

I can climb the highest mountain, cross the wildest sea
I can feel St. Elmo's Fire burnin' in me
Burnin', burnin' in me, I can feel it burnin'
Oooh, burnin' inside of me...