Guttenberg Galaxy

Not all that infrequently, TV provides the answers to my pop-culture prayers. Like that I'd live to see the day that Steve Guttenberg's career is resurrected to its former glory. Despite recent appearances in such films as P.S. Your Cat Is Dead! (2002), and Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus (2004; co-starring alongside Crystal Bernard, no less...still awaiting her own post-Wings resurrection a la Thomas Haden Church), Guttenberg has yet to make a Hollywood comeback worthy of his superstardom in the 1980s. For a number of years, I've found the Guttenberg situation troubling, to say the least. I mean, back in the day, this guy was the shit. As the charismatic, wisecracking Sgt. Carey Mahoney, he was the Tom Cruise of the Police Academy crew. Then came two more successful franchises, Cocoon - in which he more than held his own as the cast's sole non-octogenarian - and Three Men and a Baby. But the dawn of the 1990s seemed to bring an end to the age of Guttenberg. Then, almost 20 years later, along comes the 6th season of Dancing with the Stars, giving the much-deserving Guttenberg an opportunity to foxtrot right into America's hearts once again.

Granted, a Dancing with the Stars turn may not be the most preferable route to comeback heaven. But if any 1980s movie icon deserves a second chance at stardom, it's Steve Guttenberg. Should he sign on to a Police Academy 7 reunion project (which I'd pitch as Police Academy meets Cocoon), I'd happily forgive him for skipping out on Police Academy 5 and 6 -- which, looking back, was probably a really wise decision on his part. So Hollywood, if you're listening (and I mean YOU, Ron Howard), it's time to pay tribute to the Gutte and show him a little casting sugar. You know we love him. Now's the time to bring him back. And while you're at it, here's a few more 80s superstars who also deserve to be removed from the "Where are they now?" D-list and put back in the spotlight (a la "Dr. McDreamy" Patrick Dempsey, formerly known as "that guy from Can't Buy Me Love):

Kathleen Turner - Romancing the Stone, Jewel of the Nile, let's go for the trilogy, folks. I'm
sure Michael Douglas and Danny DeVito would be up for it. And think of the DVD collector's edition re-release box set sales!

Shelley Long - The world is divided into Diane Chambers people and Rebecca Howe people. I am a devoted Diane person, which is part of why I would looove to see Shelley Long make a comeback. She's a genius at screwball comedy (exhibit A, The Money Pit, one of my all-time favourite films). She's worthy of so much more than perennial Carol Brady gigs.

Nick Nolte - Unfortunately, young people these days know this former "Sexiest Man Alive" (1992) solely from his humiliating DUI mug shots. I stand by my claim that the man's still got it goin' on. I adored his turn in Paris je t'aime, and it got me thinking...someone needs to call up Sofia Coppola and put Nick's considerable charms back on the map with a Lost in Translation-esque age-gap romance. Brilliant, I know. Let's make it happen, people.

There's so many more stars that could be added to this list...perhaps this entry will have a sequel. Suggestions, anyone?

Snakes on a Plane

Albeit belated, I thought it was about time I wrote an entry on Snakes on a Plane, the much ballyhooed, Samuel L. Jackson vehicle due out this August that has snowballed into the biggest blogfest of '06 (N.B.--I don't really understand why the film isn't titled Snakes on the Plane. Why the indefinite article? WHY?) Just in case anyone who happens upon this has not heard of "SOAP," or perused a sample of the mountains of fan artwork devoted to it, I thought I would pass on a couple of links. The very premise of this movie (summed up entirely in its title, true to Hollywood-high-concept-on-crack form) is just too hilarious. My personal favourite contributions to the web frenzy over SOAP include this great cartoon as well as the riff on "McArthur Park" that can be found among the fan posters on this site (you'll need to scroll down a few to see it). More fan posters created specifically around a "Snakes... fill-in-the-blank-rhymes-with-plane" format can be found here. Be forewarned that some are highly offensive due to their racist and/or homophobic content. But most are just plain wacky; the ones I like best are "Snakes Who Look the Same," "Snakes Who Shift Blame," "Snakes Who Like Train," "Snakes and Elaine" (as in Benes) and the Gretzky homage, "Snakes Used by Wayne."

It doesn't really matter what the actual SOAP movie ends up being like; the multitude of parodies it has spurred are by far more entertaining than many Hollywood films end up being these days. The next logical step for high concept moviemaking is to just do away with the films themselves. Apparently, to generate a pop culture phenomenon, all you need is a kick-ass title, a trailer, a poster, and Samuel L. Jackson. Emperor's new clothes, indeed.

I will say that I find the idea of actually being on a plane with snakes absolutely terrifying.
If it ever happened to me, I guess I'd just tuck my feet up onto my seat. That'd show those snakes. And I hope it wouldn't be on a long flight, because hell if I'm getting up to go to the bathroom if there's snakes on the plane. Hmmm--this is starting to sound more uncomfortable than terrifying. Maybe I could deal with snakes on a plane after all. But let's hope it never comes to that.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Bond Fan's Scorn

There is a lot of anger out there in the world, but little did I know until today how much of that anger can be attributed to the hordes of James Bond fans who are getting ready to boycott Casino Royale because of how un-Bondworthy they believe Daniel Craig (the new Bond) to be. An entire movement is mobilizing against the poor bloke on www.craignotbond.com. Sample withering criticisms include:

"the bottom of the barrel"

"skinny, craggy and wholly unimpressive" (craggy Craig! Sorry, it had to be done)

"extraordinarily less handsome and charismatic than any one of the men who played Bond"

And...

"a round 0 out of 10, a number that surely matches his moon-faced countenance!"

Ouch. Not since the debut of America's Next Top Model has such a sweltering blow been dealt to the age-old happy-fuzzy axiom "It's what's on the inside that counts." Apparently Bond is in the eye of the beholder. If the anti-Craig movement wins the day and forces Eon/MGM/Sony to re-open the casting call for the next instalment in the series, I believe they should look no further than Colin Farrell to re-vamp Bond for the next decade of the new millenium. Farrell shares many qualities with the current International Bond Standard (IBS), that being Sean Connery (no arguments accepted, challenges may be forwarded to the International Bond Tribunal in the Hague): both speak with sexy brogues, both are tall, dark and handsome, and both definitely have a way with the ladies. Farrell's casting would necessitate that a few small changes be made to the classic Bond persona: the vodka martini, shaken not stirred would be replaced by pints of Guinness, 007's suave, sophisticated Bondspeak would be infused with copious profanity, and he may become embroiled in more than a few pesky sex tape scandals. But having Farrell as the new Bond would re-vitalize the screen hero's image and perhaps do worlds of good for Anglo-Irish relations. And, I have no doubt, should the Bond fanatics behind the current backlash against Daniel Craig decide to attack Farrell, they would likely get as good as they gave, and then some. So there's my vote for who the new Bond should be. In the meantime, can someone give this Daniel Craig guy a hug? He has feelings too. After all, it's not easy being Bond...

Coincidence? I Think Not.

Over the past two weeks, I have purchased a slew of Jerry Bruckheimer films on DVD, including The Rock, Crimson Tide, Con Air, Armageddon, Enemy of the State, Bad Boys II and Black Hawk Down. Then, in today's mail, I received an envelope from the U.S. Marine Corps inviting me to train to be a Marine Corps Officer. Is it possible that Pentagon has joined forces with Amazon.com? Naaah...

Saving All My Love for You

Whether single or attached, the last way anyone wants to spend their Valentine's Day is in video store purgatory. Movies can provide fine holiday entertainment this time of year, however selecting the right combination of films is a task every bit as difficult as choosing the right shiraz to go with your $200 Valentine's dinner. In fact, it's more difficult, because there are so very many bad, bad choices to be made. So here is a menu of viewing options that, much like the wine list at the $200 dinner, will help you to choose high-quality products that will enhance your overall Valentine's experience:

(The list is comprised of films to be viewed in combination. Of course, they can also be viewed individually, but the richly satisfying interplay of flavors will be sarcificed.)

1. Valley Girl + Peggy Sue Got Married + Moonstruck
Young, vulnerable, dashing Nick Cage at his romantic comedy best. The "Melt With You" montage sequence in Valley Girl is one of the most get-you-right-here portraits of young love in contemporary cinema. Too bad Burger King had to go and totally ruin that song in one fell Whopper campaign swoop a few years back. But in 1983 it was pretty much perfect.

2. The Sure Thing + Say Anything
Young, vulnerable, dashing John Cusack at his romantic comedy best. It is my belief that amalgamating 1980s Nick Cage with 1980s John Cusack would produce the Platonic ideal of twenty-something man (and for this reason, their films should be required educational viewing for all males under the age of 18--along with Dirty Dancing, of course). The Sure Thing is a loopy, sometimes tasteless sex comedy, but it packs a heartstring-pulling emotional wallop in one of its final scenes via Lionel Richie's Penny Lover. And as for Say Anything, it's the It's a Wonderful Life of Valentine's Day. Watch and learn, boys, watch and learn.

3. Sixteen Candles + Pretty in Pink + Some Kind of Wonderful
In the 1980s, John Hughes made more than his fair share of contributions to the canon of teen romantic comedy classics and it is impossible to watch these films too many times. Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink both of course feature the feisty Molly Ringwald triumphing over adversity to win the fantasy boy of her dreams. But they also feature the bittersweet musings of the young men whose hearts she lays waste to in the process: the Geek (Anthony Michael Hall) and Duckie (John Cryer). Hence the inclusion of Some Kind of Wonderful in the mix: just when the melancholy induced by the first two films gets to be too much to take, you get to see Keith (Eric Stoltz) break quirky sidekick Watts' (Mary Stuart Masterson) heart, only to recant when he realizes what he's been missing. Stellar soundtracks for all three as well.

4. Peggy Sue Got Married + Chances Are + Big
Should the Nick Cage, John Cusack or teen love combos suggested above not meet your tastes, the more nuanced category of 1980s romantic-comedies- involving- time- travel-and/or-reincarnation might hit the spot. For the merits of Peggy Sue Got Married, see #1 above. Chances Are is a screwball romp that features surprisingly delightful chemistry between the dreamy Robert Downey, Jr. and the always fabulous Cybill Shepherd. And Big, well, it's exhibit A for why Tom Hanks should never have stopped doing comedy. With respect to both Chances Are and Big, it's best not to dwell too long on the full implications of the age and body-shifting plot twists, as they are indeed kind of creepy in terms of sexual dynamics. Just go with it and let the soaring Cher and Peter Cetera "Chances Are" theme carry you away on a crest of romantic bliss.

5. Say Anything + Singles + Jerry Maguire
The first of two auteur-based combinations on the list, this one provides a definitive collection of Cameron Crowe's sentiments on romance through the ages, from high school to mid-life-crisis. I personally admire this triology because these films wear their hearts on their sleeves. They are cinematic kryptonite for cynics and are thus routinely shunned by hipsters. But in the game of love, you've got to play to win and Mr. Crowe shows us all how to put it out there. Coincidence he's married to Nancy Wilson of Heart? I think not.

6. Reality Bites + Before Sunrise/Before Sunset
In the 1990s, love, along with every other emotion, was shot through with angst and Ethan Hawke was the gorgeous, skulking, greasy-haired embodiment of this. In Reality Bites, he and Winona Ryder became the decade's quintessential couple. In Before Sunrise/Before Sunset, he and Julie Delpy bring one of American cinema's all-time best romances to the screen, right up there with It Happened One Night and Annie Hall, in my opinion. Definitely required Valentine's Day viewing.

Still undecided? Perhaps one of these last three more eccentric combinations will appeal:

7. Bonnie and Clyde + Badlands + True Romance + Guncrazy
Fugitive couple crime films are hot. There's more carnage than comedy, and happy endings are not an option, but when it comes to raw sexual energy, few mainstream Hollywood films can compete with this rock'n'roll sub-genre. Just don't try any of the illegal stuff at home.

8. Romeo + Juliet + Moulin Rouge
If you're having trouble feeling any emotion in your hardened heart these days, these two selections from Baz Luhrmann's opus are guaranteed to beat your sentiments back into shape. You might have trouble closing your eyes, sitting still, or breathing normally afterwards, but this can be easily remedied by taking two Nora Ephron films before bed on a full stomach.

9. Rocky + The Karate Kid
Since this Valentine's Day coincides with the XX Winter Olympiad, you may be feeling like less movie romance and more athletic ass-kicking. Rocky and The Karate Kid are glowing illustrations of why pure love is more powerful than steroids.